Oh, Taxi!

Since we didn’t have a car in Singapore, we had to take a taxi, a rented van, the bus or the subway wherever we went. The taxi drivers were entertaining to say the least…

----------

Taxi Driver: Where are you from?

Us: The United States

Taxi: Oh! You know Christopher Columbus

Us: (smiling) yep.

Taxi: (emphatically) All the history books say Christopher Columbus a great man. He not great. He just lost his way. He lucky. He not a great man…. You know General MacArthur?

Us: (highly amused) yeah

Taxi: Two Americans say, “I’ll be back,” General MacArthur and the Terminator. [He extols the wonders of The Terminator and his other “best actors”]

Us: (laughing) uh-huh.

Us: Were you born in Singapore?

Taxi: I made in Singapore.

Us: Okay, so you were born in Singapore

Taxi: No, I made in Singapore; I manufactured in Singapore. Designed in Singapore. Produced in Singapore. Have a stamp on my left buttock say “Made in Singapore.”

John David: (Indicating with his hands about the size of a baseball) This big?

Taxi: No. This big. That big, counterfeit. If on the right buttock, imported. China, Japan, Thailand, Indonesia. Imported. If you want to know where someone from, roll down their pants and look at stamp. Left, Singapore; Right, imported.

[Taxi Driver begins laughing manically, speeds up, starts vocalizing a car’s screeching noises, and saying as though he were putting words in our mouths:]

Too fast, Uncle! Too fast [fake screeching noises] Welcome to the crazy taxi driver; I the fastest taxi driver in  Singapore. See no traffic jam [He dodges out of our lane to cut in front of the cars ahead of us].

What are you doing in Singapore?

Us: (Slightly perturbed, but amused) We’re teaching.

Taxi: You? Teaching? I teach too.

Us: Oh. What do you teach?

Taxi: I teach my children. I teach them to be naughty. You want to know how to be naughty? Tonight you go to Zooks. Not Zoo, Zooks. Lots of charming girls and charming boys.

[He turns down the small neighborhood road that leads to the school, and he gets distracted by the taxi ahead of us.]

He not know how to drive a taxi. He not a real taxi driver.

[He starts tailgating the other taxi.]

He slow.

--------

We got to the school and got to of our cab laughing, thankful to be alive, and wondering what the  drive was high on… an especially interesting question since in Singapore, people caught trafficking drugs are executed. Almost without exception.